


Hawk Moth's Diary

by EtoilesJaunes



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack, Hawk Moth's Defeat, I'd Say I'm Sorry but I'm not, Pure Crack, i watched snape's diary again today and couldn't help myself, post-reveal shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 12:38:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14472942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtoilesJaunes/pseuds/EtoilesJaunes
Summary: What does Hawk Moth reveal to his diary? Chat is determined to find out.





	Hawk Moth's Diary

Marinette didn’t even have time to react as Chat Noir came tumbling down through her skylight, dropping his transformation as he nearly fell down the ladder, waving a book in his hand.

“Oh, my God, look what I found!” he half-shouted, shoving it in her face.  Marinette leaned back, startled.

“Is that… a book?” she asked, raising an unimpressed eyebrow.

“I know a thing or two about books,” interjected Plagg, “And  _ that’s _ a book.”

“It’s not just  _ any _ book, my lady.”

Marinette rolled her eyes before putting on an over-exaggerated excited expression similar to the one she’d worn when Chat showed up to get her help with the Evilstrator. “Is it a young adult vampire romance novel?” she gushed, clasping her hands near her face.

Adrien deadpanned for a second before resuming his former energy level. “Anyway, I just happened to find this book in Hawk Moth’s lair. In a locked trunk. Under his bed.” He scratched the back of his neck. “It’s his diary!”

“Wow!” The cry came from Tikki, who was just now waking up from her nap.

“Shall we read it?” asked Plagg.

“I’ve got a better idea,” Adrien said. “Let’s read it!”

“Oh, what a fascinating character study this will be,” Marinette said sarcastically, but she  _ was _ intrigued.

“Okay, this is the first entry…” Adrien flipped to the first page. “Dear Diary…”

_ Today I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast. It was flavorless and watery. I thought of my son. I cried. _

“I’m hungry.”

“What else is new, fatty?” Adrien shot over to Plagg, turning the page. “Let’s get to the good stuff.”

_ Today I put on my raincoat and travelled to Avenue des Champs Elysées. I purchased a pair of fancy mice. When I brought them home, one devoured the other and died of loneliness. I felt envy. _

“This is hilarious!” Adrien laughed.

“Oh, look, Adrien!” Marinette pointed to the next entry. “I see your name!”

“Ooh, you’re good at reading, Ladybug,” Plagg said, rolling his eyes at the same time Adrien brought the book closer to his face with a “What!?”

_ Today that Chat Noir boy showed me his middle finger. When I attempted to threaten him with akumitiziation, he shoved me into a wall, screaming, “You’ll never get my Miraculous!” over and over. Later, he and his red friend repeated the violent act until I lost consciousness. Tonight, I prayed for the first time in twenty years. I prayed for the end. _

“I remember that, Mari. Gimme five!”

“I don’t think you need any money, Adrien.”

Adrien slowly lowered his hand. “Never mind.”

_ I lost a button on my jacket today. Nathalie pointed it out in front of the entire board of investors. Oh, cruel attention. Oh, button, oh button, oh, where hast thou fled? Did thee tarry too long amongst fabric and thread? Did thee roll off my bosom and cease to exist? How I wish I could follow you into the mist. _

“What is a bosom, Adrien?” Plagg asked, eyes totally wide and innocent.

“Uh…”

“Yeah, tell him, Adrien!” Tikki giggled.

“Oh, look! Another page!”

_ Today, while in the bathtub— _

“Ew!”

_ —I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I was riding a giant moth through a thunderstorm. Every thunderclap resolved into…  _ Their _ voices. “Miraculous. Miraculous.” Suddenly, it became music. I was at my wedding with Emilie. I asked her to dance. She asked me to die. Would that I could, Emilie. Would that I could... _

“My mom was  _ awesome.” _

_...When I awoke, my skin was prune-like from the tepid bathwater. And I was late for golf with Mayor Bourgeois.  _

“Ugh! Why do people compare things to food that isn’t Camembert?”

“Did someone say cheese?” Tom and Sabine poked their heads through the trapdoor, the former holding a plate of cheese danishes.

“I said cheese!” Plagg cried, zipping over and immediately starting to devour one, something else he said getting lost through the food in his mouth. 

Tom laughed and set the plate down. “What are you monkeys up to? Studying for class?” He eyed the book.

“No,” replied Adrien. “We’re invading Hawk Moth’s privacy by reading his personal diary, which we stole from his lair.”

“So… You don’t actually need study snacks, do you?”

“We need them!” cried Plagg, almost finished with his first one. Sabine chuckled and dragged her husband back down the stairs.

“Okay, back to the stinky book.” Adrien found his place again.

_ Today, the red one destroyed one of my more expensive workshop areas in trying to defeat an akuma. She left a glittering rainbow and fabric  _ everywhere. _ Her magic afterwords seemed to avoid the area. The blogger girl got it all on video and posted it. The entire city laughed, triggering my migraine. I stormed over and was left to clean the girl’s mess.  _

_ Halfway through, the Gorilla showed up and bragged about his many affairs with my models. And he told me I smelled of broccoli and left without wishing me a Happy Birthday. _

_ I thought of my father. I cried. _

“This got boring,” Adrien complained. “Let’s write a new entry!”

“That’s a really fun idea,” Marinette said, perking up a bit.

“Here’s one of the pens Marinette lost under her desk this morning!” Tikki helpfully supplied.

“Okay.” Adrien nodded, sticking out his tongue in concentration as he wrote. “I am Hawk Moth. I am so sad because I akumatize my friends all the time. I don’t have any friends because I stink like broccoli and keep akumatizing them, too. I keep trying to get Ladybug and Chat Noir’s Miraculous, but it’s really boring because Chat Noir is so cool and Ladybug is so pretty and it makes me have depression. Okay. I think I’ll go cry now, but not before I akumatize someone, because… Bye.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, years of private literature tutoring at work,” Marinette said dramatically.

Plagg piped up again, flying back to join the group and leaving an empty plate behind. “Can I try?”

“Be my guest.” Adrien handed the pen to his kwami with a flourish.

“I… Am… H…”

“Okay, Plagg, that was a good try.” Tikki put her hand on his shoulder.

The four turned to the trapdoor as they heard a knock. “Come in!” Marinette called. When the door lifted, they were all surprised to see none other than Gabriel Agreste walk up, rubbing his head.

“Someone knocked me unconscious and ransacked my room. Wait a minute  _ —  _ that book!” He pointed at it and Adrien quickly hid it behind his back. “What are you doing?”

“Father! Plagg stole your diary!”

“What! You didn’t read it, did you?”

“Oh, he read it, all right. He read it  _ all. _ ”

“This is unacceptable!”

“I liked the story about the button, Mr. Agreste,” Tikki said quietly.

“You… You did?”

“It made me sad, thinking about that little button… Lost and alone. I hope you find your button, Mr. Agreste.”

“So do I, little red one. So do I.”

“You know…” Marinette began quietly. “I could find a matching button and sew it onto your jacket.”

Gabriel’s expression turned to one of surprised hope. “You… You could?”

“Of course!”

There was a moment of silence before Gabriel spoke again. “Then I guess I don’t need to keep going after your Miraculous. That’s all I wanted.” He pulled a butterfly pin out of his pocket and handed it to Marinette. “That was my secret wish. Thank you, Ladybug. I’ll have Nathalie drop off the jacket tomorrow.” With that, he turned away and walked out of the room again.

Adrien looked around at everyone. “...What just happened?”

**Author's Note:**

> I think I'm funny. Fight me.
> 
> follow me on [Tumblr](https://www.etoilesjaunes.tumblr.com) for more! <3


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